“Husbands and wives, learn to listen, and listen to learn from one another.” – President Russell M. Nelson
I love sports but my wife, Alice, couldn’t care less.
She can’t understand why I get so excited during games.
I know this will be hard for other sports fans to believe, but she actually thinks that yelling at the TV during games doesn’t help. In fact, she sometimes reminds me that the players can’t hear me. She might be right about the players not being able to hear, but she hasn’t convinced me yet that yelling at the TV doesn’t help. It makes me feel better anyway.
Recently we switched cable companies and our new package included a fancy new “Voice Remote Control.” This marvel of modern technology has an almost magical power. It allows the TV to listen to you. I haven’t figured out yet how to order touchdowns, three pointers, or goals for the teams I cheer for, but it does make it easy to find the game or show you want to watch.
For those of you still unfortunate enough to have to change channels the old-fashioned way – by performing the grueling task of pushing buttons – here is how it works.
On the remote there is a button with a picture of a microphone on it. When you push this button the microphone icon shows up on the TV screen, and next to it the reassuring word “Listening” appears. That is your cue to tell the remote what you want it to do.
After you give your instructions the remote will try to figure out what you said and repeat your instructions on the screen. Then it will attempt to carry out your command.
The remote is fairly advanced in the types of commands you can give it. You can say the name of a channel, the name of a show you are looking for, or even a category. For example, if you say “College Football” it will show you all the games currently being played.
Pretty cool! At least when it is working correctly.
Of course, as with all technology, it doesn’t always work correctly.
Fairly often it misunderstands you, which can be humorous. In one amusing incident it misconstrued me and thought I was swearing at it. While I was surprised by what I saw on the screen I was also impressed with its discretion, as it politely bleeped out a couple of letters from the cuss word it thought I had said.
Even when it misunderstands you, it is reassuring to know it is trying, and all you have to do is push the magic button and it will faithfully tell you that it is “Listening” for you to try again. It might take several attempts but you can usually get it to understand what you want.
The Remote Stops Listening
Over time I started using the voice command feature more and more until before long I used it exclusively, and I couldn’t find what I wanted to watch any other way.
Then, disaster!
One day I pushed the magic button on the remote but the reassuring word “Listening” didn’t appear on the screen. Frustrated, I said what I wanted anyway.
Instead of repeating back on the screen what I had said, the impudent remote responded by telling me, “Try Saying the name of the channel you want to watch.”
I pushed the magic button again. Again the malfunctioning remote refused to acknowledge me, and when I stated my command it responded “Try saying the name of the program you want to watch.”
This happened several more times. Each time I got more frustrated and my voice became louder, but the results were the same. It repeatedly ignored my requests and instead told me what it thought I was doing wrong.
Finally I yelled in frustration at the disrespectful remote:
“Stop telling me what to do and just listen to me!”
At this point my wonderful wife, Alice, who had been silently watching this battle between man and technology, entered the fray. Not, however, to offer support to her beleaguered husband.
Instead she replied good-naturedly, but with enough seriousness in her voice that I knew she wasn’t just trying to be funny:
“That is what I have been trying to tell you for 33 years.”
Ouch!
Fixing the Malfunctioning Remote
My daughter, Shannon, then offered a suggestion. She had seen this problem before in an apartment she had been living in and informed me that all the remote needed was new batteries.
At first I was reluctant to follow her advice. After all, the remote hadn’t given me a “Low Battery” warning and it was working properly in every other way. The only thing it wasn’t doing was “listening.” I was sure the remote needed more than just fresh batteries.
I tried for a few more minutes to get the remote to “listen” but just became more and more irritated. Finally, figuring I didn’t have anything to lose, I replaced the batteries.
With the new batteries installed I pushed the magic button and there on the screen appeared the comforting word “Listening.” All was well again.
The only thing better would be if I really could get the remote to order up touchdowns or three pointers on command.
We are Better Listeners When Our Batteries are Charged
It turns out that “Listening” takes a lot of energy, and is a task that is much easier to perform on charged batteries.
In this respect I think people are similar to remotes. When we are tired, hungry, or stressed we also have a hard time listening.
The Apostle Paul counseled:
“Let not the sun go down on your wrath.” – Ephesians 4:26
While it is wise not to go to sleep angry, this doesn’t mean you need to solve all your problems before going to bed. Actual problem solving will take listening, and you will both need recharged batteries to do this.
It is almost always wise to set a time to revisit the issue when both of you have fresh batteries. After a good night’s sleep the problem will likely not seem as big as you thought it was when you were tired, and your listening skills will work much better with charged batteries.
Listening and the Temporal Gospel
If you are married it is difficult to make progress financially unless you and your spouse are able to discuss money honestly and openly and commit to some common goals. While you don’t need to agree on everything you do need to have a plan that works for both of you, and that both of you are committed to.
Unfortunately, many couples aren’t able to discuss money productively. A 2014 study by the American Psychological Association titled “Stress in America: Paying With Our Health” reported:
“31 percent of spouses and partners say that money is a major source of conflict or tension in their relationship.”
Listening is the cure for this problem. Whether your conflict is with money or some other issue the key to solving it is the same. We must all get better at following President Nelson’s advice to:
“…Learn to listen, and listen to learn from one another.”
As for me, I will never forget the powerful lesson in listening taught to me by my wife and a malfunctioning TV remote control.
Principle and Action
Principle: Making progress financially in a marriage requires working together towards common goals. This will require effective communication. To accomplish this each partner will need to remember and put into practice the lesson I learned from my wife and our malfunctioning remote:
“Stop telling each other what do to, and just listen.”
Ark-Building Action: In my last post we discussed the power of a why. The assigned action was to think seriously about your financial why and write it down.
Plan a date with your spouse and as part of the date take turns sharing your financial why with each other. Do this as part of a nice evening when each of you have fresh batteries. Don’t tell each other what to do, just listen. Then agree on a couple common goals to get started. This should be the first of many regular financial dates you have with each other.